Oh yeah, it's a party of misery in my head, and misery sure loves company.
This is the company I have been keeping since not practicing the Sabbath faithfully:
- I've become god again. I am the self-reliant beast that glares back at me in the mirror. The fate of my school rests on my shoulders. The pressure sets, doubling my heart and mind over in fear and anxiety. If I don't do this, think this, perform in this way...then the very outcome of a school I've committed to, a program I've invested in, and the students I've fallen in love with will implode. Poor Mary, that's quite a burden you choose to carry.
- I've lost mental track of what's important. What consumes my mind 100% of the time? My job. What keeps me up at night in apprehensive tension? My job. What saps me of the Love I receive and the love I give? My job. What drowns out the call for intercession, the inspiration to live in a prayerful world where I am not the only one with needs and wants? My job. The Sabbath was a pair of spectacles I wore for a much needed perspective...that "the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
- My life is defined by objects (and ironically objectives), the what's and how's and by's. Instead of the who's. The Sabbath ensured I treasured the gift of companionship--at home, in my family, at my job...and within.
- I've lost the discipline and inspiration to run. I'm not sure the connection here, but I would be a fool to suppose that it doesn't exist.
- Guilt is my best friend...again. He often joins me, but the Sabbath was a way of consistently sacrificing his presence at the altar of His Presence. Now I practically nurse in his lap.
For which I address you now, dear reader, dear God, interrupt the circus of foolishness, clowns, and demons in my head, and remind me of what's of the most worth...
Wow, Mary, so insightful.... you are describing my life. I love my job though - just struggling with so many of the things you mentioned. I have not had the benefit of knowing the practice of the sabbath as you have though. You've been there before, you WILL get there again. How do I get there for the first time I ask myself?...
ReplyDeleteooo, that's such a tough question chris! i think what comes to my mind as the initial step would be defining what sabbath will look like for you and your family. only once you have a clear definition can you commit to it. not to say that it won't change, but i think having a definition helps. i would recommend reading some books; here is a list from amazon: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=sabbath&x=0&y=0
ReplyDeletemy favorite on here is "the rest of god," though many of them are good.
may the rest of god find you...
Interesting insights-- and nice to read your posts again. I've missed them. But you know, also strangely comforting, is that you are human and have had to take a step back and analyze a bit. I think most of us are right in there with you. Love how candid you are. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteMmm, so good Mary. And your first point (I have become God) definitely hit a nerve. Translation: ouch, yup, that has become me. In work, grad school, clinicals, I have taken this weight on. By myself. And no wonder the past week I have not been a pleasant person to be around. I CANNOT do this on my own. I CANNOT take lead of my life. God CAN take over...and He will...if I let him. Thank you for this great reminder...for making what's obvious to you, now obvious to me!! I look forward where your Sabbath's continue to take you...i know you'll get back to where you came from...you always do!
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